Frustrations

I swear to God that there should be a Monogamy Packet that couples have to sign when they get together.

It makes me angry to think that a feels the need to "date" another person when he says he is comfortable with me. This relationship is not poly-amorous, and I don't ever intend for it to be unless this crap stops. Honestly, I could care less if the guy has friends that are girls. That is completely fine with me.  But by God, do not lie to them and me so that you can whiddle your way in. Plus, it's totally not cool at all to delete the email I knew you used for this woman hunting and create a brand new one, just to lie to me and say there isn't anything there anymore. 

Look, our two year anniversary was on the 23rd. We were both in school and working, so a promised me that we could go to dinner over the weekend. Lo and behold, he meets a girl for lunch, deliberately telling her it was "a date ;)" and calling her cute names like "sweet angel." Oh. HELL. NO. I guess I am to the point where I don't know what to do, or where to take the relationship from here. a's father died a few weeks back, and now we live in the house by ourselves. Then this happens, and it's honestly just a lot. I can't blame him for being lonely after his dad's passing, and I don't. I'm just as devastated and lonely as he is right now, although I definitely do not condone woman hunting as a fix-all. No way, Jose.

 

Uggh. If I can't figure out where to take the situation from here, I don't know what I am going to do. This isn't quite how I imagined these things working out, you know? Damn, does life throw you curve balls when you really don't want them! 

On the bright side, however, we went to a's mom's house last night for Memorial Day. His stepfather made some delicious prickly pear margaritas. I think I had about 4 or 5 of those, and 10 beers to boot. Surprisingly (and thankfully), I'm not hung over today, which is good. I'm in summer classes. :-) The only thing to complain about there is that I'm not up to par yet today, but I think that's because I haven't had any coffee... Whodathunk?

So, here's to hoping today is smoother than this weekend, and here's to (hopefully) figuring a's ass out!

-S

. . .To A Halt

You know, sometimes I'm not so sure that a quite understands what it means to be a submissive. Like this morning. We were both running terribly late for school and work, and a wanted to get frisky. Since obviously in my last post I was ranting about not getting enough alone time with the poor guy, I was okay with that. For a little bit. I swear that all I did was bite his neck a few times, and that boy was hard as a rock. Mission accomplished. ;) Unfortunately for the poor guy, I had other plans on my mind (school wise and Domme wise...), but all of a sudden he was late for work and I had class in 40 minutes. Grrreat. 


I'll spare you the details, but in a nutshell, I stopped messing around. He got a little grumpy and tried to get me to keep going. I said "What ever happened to doing what I want to do?" Hmmph. Eventually, he got mad, said "Fuck it" and got up.


Now, I am not one to start fights and let him run around all day being angry. I'm really not. But this experience went a little (read: wayyy) less than expected. I'm kind of upset because I don't normally leave the guy hanging, and I don't normally get that angry response from him. I can honestly say I'm a tad bit upset pissed.  Now, I'm not sure what I am going to do, because I had a lot of things that I was planning on doing tonight, all of them involving a. So, here I am, waiting for him to get out of class and wondering "What the hell am I gonna do?!" I was really excited for tonight, like I said yesterday, and then BAM. I can't really say I'm surprised, though. I'm still really bummed out.


I'm almost hoping that a will get out of class, and we will go home, and things will be semi-right, because I haven't had an enjoyable night in a while, and this was supposed to be my night! I had it all planned out in my head, and I knew how (well, at least WHAT) I wanted to happen. And now, with a few hours on our hands to spare, I'm not so sure that this is going to happen.


I didn't even get to show or send him the BDSM checklist I was so stirred up about. Sad faces. 


So here I am. Back to the drawing board I go... Grumble.


-S

Dragging Right Along...

Whoever said life isn't fair: you are so right. I seriously think it has been about three or four weeks since a and I have had any fun at all. :( It really, really sucks because I almost feel bored with life right now, and 16 hour school and work days are not going to keep me going very much longer. Honestly, I feel a lot of disconnect with a right now, and it's a terrible feeling. I haven't even been able to cuddle up with him and watch a movie in a while now; the daily routine has become school, work, school, homework, sleep. Granted,  this is one of his biggest and most important semesters to date, and I need to do well in the classes I have also, but damn. I feel like the life and happiness is being drained out of me. I'm running on caffeine, coffee, and little sleep, and sooner or later, something's gonna give. I really hope that it is me, and not a. He cannot afford to mess up, and I know that probably sounds shitty, but he needs room to give everything he's got. I will sacrifice myself to take the bullet right now. Poor guy. :(


So much for that Punishment Plan. I haven't had time to breathe, let alone sit down and think about my personal life. And here I was, thinking we were about to get our big break & settle into the life. I'm a little bit (read: a lot) disappointed that we haven't been able to search and explore further, because it's something that I am really interested in pursuing, and I know that a would love to tag along for the ride. I would give a whole hell of a lot to be able to have a few extra hours in the days to come; I feel like I could certainly find a way to make those hours worth it, don't you? ;)


I'm chomping at the bit to be able to jump on a and have some fun. Like I said, it's been a while, and I have a ton of pent up horny-ness that I would love to unload on a. I guess I almost feel neglected, and I know that is not a's intention, at all. It's understandable, but I really enjoy the little time I actually do have my love to myself (believe it or not). I think I am getting to the point where I will willingly tear him away from his work and jump him. I may have to do just that, because otherwise there is no winning. Sometimes I just want to beat him with a spoon.


Maybe it's just because it's winter time, but I do feel rather depressed and sad.


In other news, I was perusing the interwebs at my own leisure yesterday, and I managed to stumble onto a website that had a downloadable BDSM checklist. Get this: it was in Excel! I should warn you, my love has quite a relationship with Excel, and I feel like a nerd, but it was kinda cool! :P I can't wait to show it to a and have him fill it out; I'm working on doing mine as I type! I saw that there were over 300 items to fill out, and my initial thought was, "Why in the world...?" but now I am super excited, because this is just another opportunity to get to know a... that much better! I'm a little worried about what he may/may not want, but mostly because I am probably worried his wants will be different from mine. But never one to rain on a parade, I can deal with it. Life is full of compromise, and a and I have done things and explored things I never would have thought I would do. Ever. I think this could be really fun and open a few new doors for both of us, and I really hope he takes it seriously. 


I think that we both need a nice, long weekend to be together and enjoy each others' company, and alas... this weekend will not be the one. :( 
a tutors on Saturdays, and I am going to see my family on Sunday for the first time in a while (the last time I saw them, it was Thanksgiving...), plus a has a semi-commitment Sunday anyway (grumble). So, with that being said, the amount of alone time with a that I am seeking is not going to come in-between running across the county and back all day. I stand defeated, and this issue had better resolve itself. If I don't get alone time with him by the time next weekend rolls around (it might not happen: it's almost time for tests and preparing for midterms!?) I might just rip his hair out and force him to be mine for an hour or two.


Yipes!


Hopefully there will be (at least some) good news to come. I can't wait!


-S

Itching For More...

You know, I really wish that school and work would stop getting in the way of my personal life. There's not nearly enough time in our days right now to have fun and be together. Friday night was an exception (it was Friday and we didn't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn). So, after a couple of nights of emails back and forth, and videos sent both ways, it was time for some early weekend fun. Normally, when I am done, we are both done, but tonight a came up with a grand scheme to re-start some ass training that was started months ago and came to a halt because, once again, school and work got in the way. So, in an effort to start fresh and make use of our box of toys again, we're gonna take some baby steps and work his ass back to what it was capable of a little while ago. I'll have to let you know how that goes, given that a has a tendency to roll over and FALL ASLEEP after I let him cum. Every time, he always says, "I won't! I won't!" And then he goes and does it again, giving some excuse like "Not right now," or "I'm too tired." Yesterday I told him I'm going to start punishing him for doing that, and I don't think he believed me. You know what? That's fine with me, because he's sure gonna believe me when he wakes up to a dildo up his ass or my mouth on his cock. Until then, I'll just let him go about life as normal. ;)


So I got The Mistress Manual yesterday, and so far so good. It's a really interesting read, to say the least. Completely comprehend-able! I'm so freaking excited to finish it!


Anyway, more to come soon; sorry so short, but life's handed Me a hectic weekend. Hopefully next time around I'll have some kind of Punishment Plan for a. Hopefully that is something that is do-able and can take my mind off of reality for a little while.

A Day In The Life

It kind of sucks that this post had to be the second one in, but BLAH. I wish I would have stayed home today; I wish I would have been able to sleep before 4:30 this morning; and I wish I could start the past 24 hours over again, because they really sucked. Let's face it: it's winter, it's snowing, and that makes me depressed enough in itself, let alone even thinking about gratifying my sexual urges. It's quite a rut, but we all know that life goes on... hopefully.

I've tried discussing with a the potential to bring a third party into the picture. I'm not so sure about how he feels about another male, but apparently he wants to wrangle in a female. Although I think it would be a lot of fun to bring someone else in, I still have my concerns. Don't get me wrong. I'm really excited about the opportunity, but I don't know if the idea is completely sitting right in my head. It probably doesn't help that a wants 2 females and I want 2 males. That could cause some disruption and disagreements.. real quick. I've always wanted to be with 2 males at the same time; just the thought of that happening to me turns me on. a seems to just want to find a girl and jump in, but (not to sound rude) I still have standards and there are things that I think should be considered before diving in head first. The thing is: I have a willing male and another potential male if all else fails miserably in this search; but where's the female a wants so terribly bad? Haha =)


Anyway, last night was another massaging adventure. I tried using more pressure and movement, and I think that I might be on to something. This time a didn't move for about 5 minutes afterward. I almost thought he fell asleep (he falls asleep... way too easily), but no... He was just laying there, ass bare, and just taking it all in. It was sexy. I wanted to jump him right then & there, but he probably didn't have it in him. It didn't help that we only had two hours before we had to wake up again, but at least the last memories I had of a before I went to sleep were hot and bothering. He was laying back and relishing his last milking before rules are set in place. At least he understood that part. Lord help us if he didn't. From now on, any sexual gestures are to be earned (I should probably get on that, come to think of it).


I've been contemplating the benefits of having a weekend-long escapade. It's something a and I have talked about before, but a gets sooo sidetracked with school and work and recreation that it never happens. Either that or his dad is present... Not so fun. But really.. if we could just lock ourselves in the bedroom for one weekend I would be the happiest person on the planet. I just want to restrain his body from movement and have at him. I want to make him to dirty things to me, and I don't care. I think some planning beforehand is definitely in order. Ohh, the things we could accomplish in 48 hours... I could get everything I want out of him, and he lay there, restrained, and I'll leave him with the simple hope that maybe, if he's a good boy for me, he might receive some dirty tricks in return. If I could get him to shut up and lay still long enough, I could edge & stretch that boy for hours and not get tired. I love experiencing what his body can do. It's kind of funny that the things that society sees as taboo are some of the most amazing things the body is capable of!


Gosh, I can't get the mmf & weekend escapade scenarios out of my head. I should be set to daydream mode for class now, thank God. Maybe I'll be able to think of some good ideas and cook up something new to try. I do enjoy finding something new and having it work out in my favor. Hopefully the rest of today will be a little bit more fruitful than the way it started.

My Story (I'm Stickin' To It)

Somehow, I can't really say that I am surprised that this is where I ended up, to be honest. I kind of look at it in a "you had it coming" kind of sense. I don't really know when all of it clicked, but all of a sudden I realized that this was something I was really interested in; this was the kind of lifestyle you wouldn't bring home to your mom and pops. It's something I accepted, even though I honestly would tell the world, including my parents if it were only appropriate. I'm not sure what caused me to turn onto it, but after some thorough research, I was hooked. Not just a slight enthusiasm, but more like a need to learn and live. It's weird because the things I was reading were nothing like the kind of person people take me as, and I'm sure that if my friends were told, more than a few would bust a gut in laughter. It doesn't really discourage me, but I feel like it's my dirty little secret that only a few trustworthy people know about. I'd kind of prefer to keep it that way, but hey, if the stars align in juuust the right way, I think I could trust someone with that sentiment sometime later on.


It feels exciting to know that my significant other, a, is just as much into this wonderful little scheme as I am. I'm actually pretty thrilled because I haven't had a significant other come right out and tell me exactly what they want and what they are interested in sexually, both physically and in their mind. It's seriously such a turn on to see and watch a talk about the lifestyle. It's an exciting move for the both of us, and I really couldn't be more happy!


For me, personally, this is quite the step up. Up until about two years ago, when I met a, a lot of the sexual prowess (I guess you can say) in me stayed quite hidden. I didn't have a lot of significant others growing up, and hell, I was in school, and I wasn't about to let my fantasies out to play. Then a came along and kind of helped me figure out what I was really capable of, to say the least. I love to try new things and figure out what I am capable of doing, and believe me, the gratification that crosses a's face when I find something that works is sooo worth my time and investment. 


I feel that the past two or three nights are a good example of said gratification. Two and three nights ago I just laid in bed next to a and loved him up a little bit. There's nothing more fun than watching him squirm while he's under my hand. It makes it feel like he is depending on me, and I love that feeling to no end. After about two hours of rubbing and touching, I finally let him cum, but there was no stopping the whimpering and whining coming from his end before I let that happen. And like last night, (let's keep in mind that a never ceases to amaze me at the things that happen inside of our sexual relationship with each other) I can honestly say that was one of the most powerful experiences in our two years. I love it when touching and kissing turns into a semi-full blown ass play session! I can't even begin to describe it. It's like he turns all control over the situation to me, and that's when I can run with it. I just messed around with his ass for a while... Not too much play (it was late; we were tired; and school & work were calling our names), but enough to make him cum twice in ten seconds. I've never seen it happen before, but damn! I felt like one of the sexiest people alive in that moment. He didn't really admit to knowing that he managed to cum twice in one orgasm, but it was like a little blow, and I thought he was done... All of a sudden a volcano erupted. Just the sounds he made alone were enough to throw me over the edge, but of course, he did deserve it. 


Our deal was that he was to shower and give me two really good orgasms in bed, and then I would return the favor once over if I felt he deserved it. One orgasm for me and one more powerful orgasm for me, there he was, sighing in relief and bliss. I... felt... great! I feel like I definitely need to cut deals with him more often; when he wants something, then goddamn that boy will work to earn it. I'm glad he feels that way, because he'd be in trouble if not.  It's kind of sweet to know that my words will drive him to do those things. Damn; that's exciting!